fail·ure

 n.
1. The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends: the failure of an experiment.
2. One that fails: a failure at one's career.
3. The condition or fact of being insufficient or falling short: a crop failure.
4. A cessation of proper functioning or performance: a power failure.
5. Nonperformance of what is requested or expected; omission: failure to report a change of address.
6. The act or fact of failing to pass a course, test, or assignment.
7. A decline in strength or effectiveness.
8. The act or fact of becoming bankrupt or insolvent.

It truly feels as though a photo of me should accompany that definition.

I.Am.A.Failure.

Name any part of my life, I've failed at it.

I have no one to blame but myself. Some huge character flaw that fills me with fear of trying anything new. Of putting myself out there. Of making friends. Of keeping friends. Of being a good friend. Of doing the things I want to do. Of pursuing any dream. Of being the person I want to be.

That flawed inner voice that said there will always be time to do everything and change endlessly is a lair.

Time is a finite commodity. You do not get endless buckets of it. You do not get a second chance to re-live a wasted decade or two. When they are gone, they are gone.

I have always felt I've lived life as a spectator. That cliched statement of being an outsider. That's the feeling. I've been looking in on everyone else's life from the outside. Wanting to join in. Wanting to enjoy along with everyone else. Wanting to be part of things. Anything. Something. Not feeling welcome. Not feeling worthy. Not feeling truly a part of the story happening. Just a viewer.

But it's me who created the barrier that I look through. I turn down invitations, so the invitations stop coming. I let my fear of being judged keep me from trying new things. I view things as too much effort. Or "what's the point, it won't change anything". I talk myself out of ideas and plans that the day before seemed to be a promising road to change. Or I just don't make it happen. The part of fear known as lazy takes over and I just stick with the status quo to be over taken by a moment of terribly clarity days/months/years later letting me know I fucked up yet again.

So, is there a point when it's to late to start over. Is there a point when true change can't happen. Right now, at this moment I feel I've reached it. I feel hopeless about moving toward a changed path. I feel it's pointless to try and move toward achieving any goals that I completely failed at in the last two decades.

Have I given up because it is an ingrained part of my nature to be a failure? Or am I being a cry baby who just needs to get off her fat, pathetic ass and do something already.

Yeah, I know the answer. And things will probably be better tomorrow. But today, I'm wallowing in my pathetic failure of a life. Wishing for better. Hoping for change. Knowing it won't come unless I put out some effort and get over myself. But, that just seems impossible right now.

Goals #10 & #11 – Visit the beach and other trips.

Byron Bay's Blue Lagoon by TreeFaerie @ www.sxc.hu

Goal #10 is to travel. Goal #11 is to visit the beach. While I have set these out as two separate goals, they may possibly end up being one in the same.

While I would love to say it would be a visit to a beach in Mexico, Fiji, Greece, classifying it as travel as well as visiting the beach, it won't be. It will be here in Nova Scotia somewhere. It might be an afternoon spent lounging in the sun, or a weekend trip to a beach resort in the province somewhere.

Which ever route I take, the goals are to return to a place I love (by the sea) and to take steps toward being comfortable traveling solo so I can take larger, more adventurous excursions.

Goal #1 – Read More

I have a confession. While I may possess a grand imagination that allows me to see in great detail the finer points of tales read, I tend to read too little.

I love books. I always have. I love the look of the paper and the text, the texture and the weight of the bindings, the way these miniture, portals to other worlds look sitting all grouped together on shelves. I love to page through books admiring the silkiness of the paper or the serifs on the fonts. I love the ideas, the knowledge and the far fetched tails that are contained between the carefully laid out designs of the covers. But, I only (at best) like to read.

I don't know what it is. I love the book itself, but not necessarily the actual purpose for which it was intended.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have always read, just not a lot in the form of novels. I can say I have always had a book on the go. As in I've been reading the same book for 3 years or more. More often than not I will pick up a book laying around the house and read a couple of chapters, just to set it down and to never see hide nor hair of that book again.

I have gotten caught up in a few books here and there. Finishing a 300 page book in 2 days. I'm always impressed with myself when this happens. Unfortunately these instances are always few and far between.

In early Dec (2010) after just seeing the first instalment of the last ever Harry Potter movie (for the second time) I decided that I needed to have the entire series read before the finial piece of the saga unfolded in front of me in film form. I just felt I needed to have that experience. You know, the one where you have completely invisioned how something will play out, and then boom, the film makers decided they didn't need that piece of the tale.

Now, truth be told, I had always felt a little silly about being a grown adult reading books intended for 9-12 year olds. But hey, all the cool kids are doing it, right?

So, I stared reading. I did own 3 of the 7 books already, having only worked my way through the first book and only about a third of the way through the second book. And this was a few years ago.

Through out December I made my way through (1)“The Philosopher's Stone”, (2)“The Chamber of Secrets”, (3)“The Prison of Azkaban” and (4)“The Goblit of Fire” (finishing #4 on New Years Eve). By this point reading instead of constantly refreshing facebook or watching endless YouTube vlogs had become part of my routine. So I decided that I should continue this new nightly habit long after I learned the last of the secrets of the Deathly Hallows.

At first I was going to have a minimum amount of pages per day. Then it was a minimum amount of time. But really, I think just to continue my mental voyage through the words of others is good enough. Maybe I'll complete the 50 book challange I have seen on other peoples blogs. Time will tell.

A New Year Starts Every Day...

"Time for a fresh start" by James Oconnell
 @ www.behance.net

I have been meaning to write this post for just over three months now. Yes, it was suppose to be a New Years post about my “goals” for 2011. I had made a few lame attempts at starting it, but they never went very far. Was it because I'm a hopeless procrastinator? Or maybe the fact the my mind can be so scrambled I have a hard time organizing my thoughts into cohesive strings of text? It could be. But to be honest, I'm not one for making “New Years Resolutions”. It just hasn't been something I have really done in my life. But, I thought maybe it would be a good way to start of the year for this blog. After all I haven't actually been making any real effort with it yet, and that is something I want to do. I kept putting the process off, making little excuses for myself. Then it just seemed irrelevant.

So much time had past since the year started, but my birthday was coming up. Bright Idea – Birthday Year Goals. What I would strive to achieve between birthday 2011 and birthday 2012. Well, my birthday came and went and I still put off sitting down and gathering my thoughts.

No more. Here I am. And here's the list:

1. Read More – I mean novels. Not more blogs, not magazines, not the back of the cereal box.
2. Try my hand at animation in some from. Learning to make a ball bounce is a good start.
3. Make a video a week and post to YouTube. This could be the weather, the cats, anything.
4. Capture an image of something everyday with the camera on my iPhone. The sky, a tree, probably a cat. Anything at all. Post it to this blog. Possibly through Daily Booth.
5. Take more pictures in general. I have cameras. I should use them.
6. Procrastinate less. Just damn well do it. This blog, case in point.
7. Do at least one sun salutation a day. I learned yoga, so I should use it!
8. Learn to use Adobe After Effects. Motion graphics! It's the future of graphic design, right?
9. Relearn Flash. This also relates to #2.
10. Travel. I have to do this one alone, so I need to start small. It could be a weekend trip to White Point.
11. Go to the beach. Stand at the edge of the Atlantic ocean for the first time in 20 years.
12. Create an actual vlog and post it before my birthday 2012.
13. Use the dollar store canvases I purchased years ago. After completing each painting, photograph and then donate each to the Salvation Army.
14. Lose weight, get healthy, eat better, move more. Vlog about it?
15. Be present in each moment. Appreciate everything.
16. Blog at least once a week. Capture this year, here, on this blog. In words, in pictures, in video.

This list isn't really in a particular order. Just how it came out. I've probably missed a few things I hope to do, but that's okay. I have to learn to embrace change as well.