1. The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends: the failure of an experiment.
2. One that fails: a failure at one's career.
3. The condition or fact of being insufficient or falling short: a crop failure.
4. A cessation of proper functioning or performance: a power failure.
5. Nonperformance of what is requested or expected; omission: failure to report a change of address.
6. The act or fact of failing to pass a course, test, or assignment.
7. A decline in strength or effectiveness.
8. The act or fact of becoming bankrupt or insolvent.
It truly feels as though a photo of me should accompany that definition.
I.Am.A.Failure.
Name any part of my life, I've failed at it.
I have no one to blame but myself. Some huge character flaw that fills me with fear of trying anything new. Of putting myself out there. Of making friends. Of keeping friends. Of being a good friend. Of doing the things I want to do. Of pursuing any dream. Of being the person I want to be.
That flawed inner voice that said there will always be time to do everything and change endlessly is a lair.
Time is a finite commodity. You do not get endless buckets of it. You do not get a second chance to re-live a wasted decade or two. When they are gone, they are gone.
I have always felt I've lived life as a spectator. That cliched statement of being an outsider. That's the feeling. I've been looking in on everyone else's life from the outside. Wanting to join in. Wanting to enjoy along with everyone else. Wanting to be part of things. Anything. Something. Not feeling welcome. Not feeling worthy. Not feeling truly a part of the story happening. Just a viewer.
But it's me who created the barrier that I look through. I turn down invitations, so the invitations stop coming. I let my fear of being judged keep me from trying new things. I view things as too much effort. Or "what's the point, it won't change anything". I talk myself out of ideas and plans that the day before seemed to be a promising road to change. Or I just don't make it happen. The part of fear known as lazy takes over and I just stick with the status quo to be over taken by a moment of terribly clarity days/months/years later letting me know I fucked up yet again.
So, is there a point when it's to late to start over. Is there a point when true change can't happen. Right now, at this moment I feel I've reached it. I feel hopeless about moving toward a changed path. I feel it's pointless to try and move toward achieving any goals that I completely failed at in the last two decades.
Have I given up because it is an ingrained part of my nature to be a failure? Or am I being a cry baby who just needs to get off her fat, pathetic ass and do something already.
Yeah, I know the answer. And things will probably be better tomorrow. But today, I'm wallowing in my pathetic failure of a life. Wishing for better. Hoping for change. Knowing it won't come unless I put out some effort and get over myself. But, that just seems impossible right now.
