First Stars I See Tonight - Short Film from hitRECord on TV

It seems like a lifetime ago I started a list of goals on this blog. It has been almost 3 years since making the list. That's not a lifetime, but it is a significant enough amount of time that I should have accomplished something, well, significant. It actually makes me sick to think of how quickly the time has past and how little I have managed to achieve in it.

I don't remember all of the goals I set out for myself. I could go back and look, but this time of the year is always hard for me. The push to set resolutions coupled with the short days, horrible weather and the come down from the holidays always reminds me how little I have done. Going over failed goals from yesteryear would just make me feel worse, so I avoid doing it at all costs.

But this year there is a high point. You see, even a semi-professional quitter (read failure) such as myself sometimes, just sometimes, manages to continue the pursuit of a goal just long enough to acquire sufficient  proficiency to accomplish something to be proud of. The goal in question is this blog post:
http://ponytailsandcapris.blogspot.ca/2011/03/goal-2-animation.html

Animation was something I knew so very little about 3 years ago. Animator is something that I proudly call myself today. No I am not amazing. Yes I struggle with it. Point is, I've done something.

To be completely honest, 7 months ago I was pretty stagnant in my animation skills. They really had advanced very little in the two and a half years since I first wrote the post. I had taught myself a little After Effects, learned a couple of tricks, and left it there. But then I finally took a chance and joined hitRECord. This amazing community gave me a reason and a chance to try something new and now seven months later hitRECord on TV is close to airing and I can say that I am part of a global community that helped to make it happen.

With the lead up to the premier of the show, one of the short films for the first episode has been released. First Stars I See Tonight. I am proud to say I have animated a segment in it (the space scene from about 2:22 to 2.32).



I feel very blessed to be part of such a wonderful, supportive community and have the opportunity to contribute to such an amazing short film.

Most of all, right now, in the darkest time of the year for me I am greatly thankful the hitRECord exists and that it (and all of the amazing artists that are a part of it) have made it possible for a semi-professional quitter such as myself to achieve something nearly given up on.

That's me on the IMDB!

No, I'm not credited, but still. That's me. Right there. Next to Jason Priestly. On your left. Dressed up as a plus sized beauty pageant contestant. Miss Sleep Apnea. It's me. I'm on the IMDB!

It's not really a dream come true, but it's probably as close as I am going to come to having anything on the IMBD website.

fail·ure

 n.
1. The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends: the failure of an experiment.
2. One that fails: a failure at one's career.
3. The condition or fact of being insufficient or falling short: a crop failure.
4. A cessation of proper functioning or performance: a power failure.
5. Nonperformance of what is requested or expected; omission: failure to report a change of address.
6. The act or fact of failing to pass a course, test, or assignment.
7. A decline in strength or effectiveness.
8. The act or fact of becoming bankrupt or insolvent.

It truly feels as though a photo of me should accompany that definition.

I.Am.A.Failure.

Name any part of my life, I've failed at it.

I have no one to blame but myself. Some huge character flaw that fills me with fear of trying anything new. Of putting myself out there. Of making friends. Of keeping friends. Of being a good friend. Of doing the things I want to do. Of pursuing any dream. Of being the person I want to be.

That flawed inner voice that said there will always be time to do everything and change endlessly is a lair.

Time is a finite commodity. You do not get endless buckets of it. You do not get a second chance to re-live a wasted decade or two. When they are gone, they are gone.

I have always felt I've lived life as a spectator. That cliched statement of being an outsider. That's the feeling. I've been looking in on everyone else's life from the outside. Wanting to join in. Wanting to enjoy along with everyone else. Wanting to be part of things. Anything. Something. Not feeling welcome. Not feeling worthy. Not feeling truly a part of the story happening. Just a viewer.

But it's me who created the barrier that I look through. I turn down invitations, so the invitations stop coming. I let my fear of being judged keep me from trying new things. I view things as too much effort. Or "what's the point, it won't change anything". I talk myself out of ideas and plans that the day before seemed to be a promising road to change. Or I just don't make it happen. The part of fear known as lazy takes over and I just stick with the status quo to be over taken by a moment of terribly clarity days/months/years later letting me know I fucked up yet again.

So, is there a point when it's to late to start over. Is there a point when true change can't happen. Right now, at this moment I feel I've reached it. I feel hopeless about moving toward a changed path. I feel it's pointless to try and move toward achieving any goals that I completely failed at in the last two decades.

Have I given up because it is an ingrained part of my nature to be a failure? Or am I being a cry baby who just needs to get off her fat, pathetic ass and do something already.

Yeah, I know the answer. And things will probably be better tomorrow. But today, I'm wallowing in my pathetic failure of a life. Wishing for better. Hoping for change. Knowing it won't come unless I put out some effort and get over myself. But, that just seems impossible right now.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Short stop motion animation I did of decorating our little TV room Christmas Tree:

Christmas Music Advent Calendar 2012 - Day 3

O Holy Night performed by Shay Carl and Mommy Tard

Instagram Christmas Challenge Days 2 & 3

I'm combing yesterday and today's pics. I didn't leave the house yesterday, so no change to get a window display picture.Day 2 - Window Display Day 3 - Television Special/Film

Christmas Music Advent Calendar 2012 - Day 2

O Come all ye Faithful song by Julia Nunes and friend.

Instagram Christmas Challenge Day 1 - Fairy/Christmas Lights

Last year I did a Daily Christmas Lights post as a project leading up to Christmas. I was going to do that again this year using Instagram, however I've come across Kayley Hyde's #kayleycountdown.

It's a bit more involved than just taking pics of lights, so I may or may not stick with it. 

We will see if I am able to remember to takes pictures of the other items on the correct days. I think I may resort back to Christmas lights on most days and throw in pictures of the other items here and there.

Day 1 is easy enough though Fairy/Christmas lights.

The day by day list:

1. Fairy/Christmas lights.
2. Holiday window display.
3. Holiday television special/film.
4. Starbucks Christmas cup.
5. Sweater.
6. Candle.
7. Advent calendar.
8. Christmas music.
9. Nutcracker.
10. Choose your own!
11. Mistletoe.
12. Friends.
13. Scarves. 
14. Snow.
15. Something from the 12 days of Christmas.
16. Santa.
17. Christmas socks.
18. Best decorations.
19. Fireplace.
20. Choose your own!
21. Christmas books.
22. Cookies. 
23. Gifts.
24. Christmas tree.
25. Family.

Christmas Music Advent Calendar 2012 - Day 1

It is once again that time of the year. Yup, it's the festive season. To celebrate I've decided to do the Christmas Music Advent Calendar once again.

I thought it was fitting that my YouTube subbox had this video created by Lush in it this morning. My favourite Carol is Carol of the Bells. My favourite skin care line is Lush.

Enjoy!

iPhone Photograph #198 - Burning Leaves

I hate that the summer is gone and that winter is so close,
but fall is a wonderful beautiful time.